I’ve always aimed to keep this blog as honest as possible, so I am not writing this post in order to gain likes or shares, I am writing this so I can show what it is like to live with anxiety. I find writing down my thoughts and feelings is a great type of therapy that anyone can do and is something that has helped me in the post, this time however I thought I would hit ‘publish.’
Today, I may have seem happy to my colleagues, to my family members, and to the shop keeper when I was buying some snacks for lunch. But inside, I have been a mixture of emotions all centring around fear. For the last couple of weeks, I have felt I have been on auto-pilot. I will laugh at someone’s joke, I will sound shocked at a piece of gossip, but really, I feel somewhat emotionless. I have tried my usual coping techniques, but this feeling will not go away. It’s getting to the point now where I just can’t remember the last time I was generally happy, and that is petrifying.
I am simply scared, scared for the future. It is a difficult time at the moment for reasons I don’t feel ready to talk about online just yet. I almost want to get to the other side before telling my blog about my situation, just so I have the survivor perspective. I have reached out to my friends, family and colleagues so I am doing the best thing and communicating with people, but still that feeling remains that I do not want to worry those around me. But, I have support and for that I am grateful.
The main thing that scares me is that I will not get to where I want to be in life. I am old fashioned in the sense that I want a house, kids, and a family unit, much like the one I was raised in. But before I can move on to starting a family, I need to move out. I don’t need to tell you how difficult that is in London. I am pulling my hair out worried that I will never get there. I feel sick, like everything I have achieved up to now just doesn’t matter. I feel like a failure purely because I cannot afford to move out right this second. And it’s not like I am unhappy at home, I just have itchy feet and want to move onto the next part of my life, something I am petrified will not happen until I am much older.
Others seem to do it with ease, go about their day to day without worry. I am literally worrying about my worry. I can see how irrational I am being with myself. I know I am 23, I know everyone else isn’t perfect and are more than likely going through similar things to myself. I should be enjoying my life as it is now. I guarantee that once I have achieved everything I want, as one day it will happen, I won’t be able to take a step back and appreciate all that I have done. I will be straight onto the next thing. I have achieved so much in my life which I constantly belittle. I graduated from University and passed my driving tests, things that I think ‘so what?’ 6 years ago I would be looking at these achievements amazed that I was able to do them. So why can’t I appreciate these achievements now they are in the past?
I need to focus on the future, yes, but I do not need to worry about it to the extent that I am. I need to be kinder to myself. It’s okay that I am feeling this way, it really is. But why waste my time not enjoying my life as it is right now? I suppose it all just comes down to perspective.
I promise regular, cheerful content will commence in my next post! 🙂