Welcome back to another Rebecca Louise Blogs’ braindump! I haven’t done one of these for a while, but I must say I think I’m well and truly in need of one. Not only have I got PMS on my back, but we’re also still in lockdown which means emotions are officially flying around my head at lightspeed, I feel like I’m about to explode!
Usually, at this point, I would outline what I’ll be discussing, but at the moment I honestly have no idea. I’m a real mess at the moment and I’m praying that it is down to PMS and that in a few days I’ll be back to my old self, but for my mental sake, I thought I would start tapping at the keyboard and see where I end up, hopefully feeling 10 pounds lighter. However I thought it would be good to share with you all the reality of life in lockdown, it’s not all banana bread, 6am workouts and god knows what else, it is really tough on the majority of people.
In case you missed it: Trying to Make the World a Kinder Place
My lockdown experience hasn’t been the most productive. Yeah, I’ve got a few new hobbies; I’ve got a new love of cross-stitching and puzzles and I’ve been fully embracing my new grandma life! I’ve enjoyed days lounging in the sun and having BBQs (with my household!) but I’ve not been doing anything revolutionary which I know is completely fine! Instead, I wanted to treat it as a break for myself. Not a holiday, but a rest. I now consider 10am to be a very early start and I can’t sleep till gone 1:30am which for normal me is madness! I’ve started to read more, and I’ve tried to get into more TV series but to be perfectly honest I much prefer rewatching series I’ve already seen a thousand times. I’ve tried to keep up yoga which I’ve been doing for the past year, but I haven’t been doing it nearly as much as normal. There’s no doubt I feel better for doing it, but the build-up to actually begin the workout is a lot more daunting.
I’ve only been on 1 walk during this lockdown. That’s it. I know most people have been taking advantage of going out for their daily walks, but to be honest I can’t face it. It’s not the fear of catching the bug, it’s the fear that I’ll accidentally break social distancing rules. What do I do if people are walking towards me on both sides of a busy street? Where do I go? Will those people get annoyed at me if I don’t move, even if it risks me getting run over? I get worried that someone will snap at me for being too close, I worry that I’ll do something to upset someone. When I did go out, I came home feeling so frustrated because I found myself moving for every single person with nobody showing any courtesy and moving for me. Honestly, on that 30-minute walk, I must have crossed the street about 12 times. I am not an entitled person despite how that sounds, but the fact that no one else moved for me really got to me and I took it really personally, which I know is ridiculous but hey that is how my mind works after all. So after that experience, I decided not to venture out again. I generally think I’m more scared of people than ever! Thankfully I haven’t been snacking loads or eating overly bad so my weight gain is minimal, and I have an old exercise bike which I’ve been using occasionally, so for the moment, I’m fairly confident I can fit through my front door still!
But the lockdown rules have changed. We can now meet up with people outside our households and social distance. I’ve been isolating away from my boyfriend, so straight away I wanted to see him, but I can’t bring myself to go back out there. I don’t think I can do it. Thankfully he’s more than understanding, but no one else is. Family members are literally assuming we’ve broken up because we’ve not seen each other. That only makes my mental health worse, the fact we’re being judged. God forbid I have a down day, like today, the gossip will only spread! Thankfully the rules are relaxing ever further and we can meet in our gardens, but even so, my family are unsure if it’s too soon or not, which is fine and something that I have to respect, whereas his family are the complete opposite don’t realise we’re in a lockdown situation at all, which brings me onto my next point.
Why is everyone giving up social distancing? Not only am I seeing ridiculous pictures of overcrowded beaches and parks on social media, I know people first hand who are forgetting the rules and just going about their daily lives. These are people who mean a lot to me, and it makes me so sad and angry. What’s worse is that if you tell them that they shouldn’t be doing something, they get annoyed at you and make out you’re the one in the wrong! I am honestly so fed up of it. It does bring that thought into your head of ‘well if they’re not bothering why should I?’ but we’ve been in this lockdown for 10 weeks, why stop now if the guidelines are still in place? We’ve all worked this hard, why throw it away now? I certainly am not prepared to break the rules, not when there are lives at stake. Those people who go ‘it will be fine if you come round for dinner,’ or don’t stay 2 meters apart can honestly do one! It’s people like them who are going to make this last so much longer! Nothing has angered me more in this lockdown than hearing stories like this. We’re all in this shit, I don’t know why they think they can be so selfish. You know full well that in years to come they’ll be saying ‘oh lockdown was so difficult’ to which I will politely tell them to be on their way. It was difficult for the people who were actually sticking to the rules! Anyway, moving on before smoke starts coming out my laptop!
What’s odd is that in all honestly, I don’t know if I’m ready for the lockdown to end. Of course, I would love to see my boyfriend and give him a hug, but I don’t think I’m ready to go back to work. I am such a home comfort person, I love nights in and having a lazy day at home, which of course at the moment is all I’ve been doing! But I don’t know if I want to go back to work. It’s nothing to do with my job specifically, I love my job, but no matter what I always get that Sunday night back to school feeling, which I don’t think will ever go away. I wouldn’t mind if this entire thing was over and it was perfectly safe for me to travel into the office every day, but I don’t want to come off furlough and work from home like at the start of lockdown, I got so stressed! The odd day working from home is great and helpful, but having your office at home, the place I associate with relaxing, I just didn’t like it and it made me so so nervous, mostly in case my colleagues think I’m not doing any work. If you haven’t guessed already, I am a very self, conscious person! I much prefer a separate workspace away from my home, so to think that at any moment I will have to go back to that stressed mentality is not helping with all these built-up emotions.
There is so much more I could go into; my self conscious levels, my anxiety, body image, tensions and emotions to name but a few, but I think I’ve bummed you out enough for today so I’ll save them for another post. I do feel a lot lighter by writing down my lockdown experience so far. Just remember, every single person has hit a low point during the last few months. No one is having the ‘perfect’ lockdown. But it is ok to have some highs. I know I’ve had some really happy moments which I’ve shared with my family, and they’re the times I need to remember, not all this waffle above, I need to address it and then let it go. It really is ok to ride the emotional rollercoaster. Just do what you can to be as happy as you can under the circumstances. If anyone is feeling alone or needs to talk things through, you can always PM me on social media. It’s the least I can do after you’ve read all this! Sometimes it’s so much easier to talk to someone who isn’t t associated with the situation.